Caught between jumping into marriage and jumping into an affair

If you read the section ‘about me’, I guess you are wondering what is going on in my life. Let me start off by saying I always wanted to write. I always write a lot wherever I am. My life got to a point I wanted to have an anonymous way of releasing my thoughts, potentially connecting with others too.

Perhaps ‘on the fence between marriage and affair’ warrants a bit of explaining. Lets call my partner R. R and I have a two year old daughter. She is the most beautiful and perfect human that has ever been. With blond very curly hair and very deep blue eyes. In further stories I will get to how we are ‘kind of’ engaged, but without a clear path forward. Thank you covid.

There have been so many obstacles along the way. I love this man very deeply. In the meantime, we have learned quite a few things about each other though - turns out my sexual drive is just so much higher than R’s. His is probably relatively ‘average’. Mine is without a doubt on the high side. In my past I attended various parties and had some very wild adventures. It also turns out, he is most likely on the autistic spectrum. A highly functioning autistic spectrum of course, not confirmed, but very likely. Whilst I’m not a big fan of labelling people into certain conditions, I do believe they offer a useful framework to understand others. In practice, this means R. does not really enjoy massages, cuddles or even touching, unless its under his rules or revolves around sex. I am really struggling with that.

We have been together for six years now. Of course I love this man a lot. I did think we were the perfect puzzle pieces, complimenting each other in how we fit. I still think that, and maybe that's what keeps me here. Madly in love and madly hurt by this man all at once.

Why affair? We had an escalation in our conflict in February where R. screamed at me saying ‘we are separated’. Something broke inside me. I was so pushed away I couldn’t handle it. In all honesty, until we clarified that in couples therapy, I also assumed that means 'we are now single'. Transpires it does not. It meant we are separated, but that does not give us a pass to infidelity. It did plant that seed though. I accidentally met someone. I know I am playing with fire. We had one dinner together. Two hours where we discussed sex and various sexual things in possibly more detail than I have with my partner in years. I have never seen this man since, yet I cannot get him out of my head. The things he said, the sexual ways in which he responded to my messages were all the things I craved from R. for years.

Things started happening since my purist loyalty bubble burst. Perhaps I have been sending off some subconscious vibrations. One of my friends of nearly twenty years suddenly admitted he had feelings for me and started sexting me. I have not really been responding back in that way but the words he says torment me after.

A beautiful Argentinian man tried to propose to me on the beach in Mexico during my friends’ wedding. In a dramatic latino way I was pushing him away saying ‘no puedo’ (I can’t), but my insides were screaming why am I alone at this wedding with R. nowhere in site and oh my god would I love to share the night with this boy on the beach.

Lastly, all of a sudden, this man I have slept with  handful of times also about ten years ago resurfaced saying he hasn’t forgotten our connection. Every two years he kept checking if I am married yet but this year he went further. He started asking what the chances were of seeing each other again. A beautiful, smart man, working in a well-paid job in another country. I met him at a sex party. I think at the time I discarded him as a potential eligible bachelor, because 'how could I ever trust him' and he was just a guy from a sex party.

Yet, I also always knew my sexuality would get me in trouble. I chose the vanilla safe option because at the time after my various up and down burn intensely relationships he showed up and was so stable. He spent his free time wondering what to do with frozen chillies in his freezer rather than what sex positions to try. At the time it appealed to me as 'domestic', now I bang my head against the wall thinking how do I make him want to try something else.

Meanwhile, the non-physical connection is so wildly missing too. R. remains so withdraw he has been sleeping in the other bedroom. He cannot handle the noise and the mess and most of the time just wants to be left alone. I am trying so hard, but I feel practically on my own. Every day. Every evening. Every night.